Jesus, my body just won’t quit! And not in a sexy way. I mean in a curled up in a ball with hives and stomach pain way. Yikes. Happy summer.
Since this one assignment in one of our voice classes, I’ve gone back to another old hobby of mine: writing. For this class, we were assigned to write a personal poem, read it aloud, then read our chosen Shakespeare sonnets. The one I wrote was not nearly as open as it could have been, because I was too afraid to be so in front of my friends (jeez, again with the fear of vulnerability, Mack!).
But after that, I got a bit…prolific.
It started as odd doodles here and there (figurative doodles – I can’t draw at all). Then grew into a folder in the Notes app on my phone. Then into a very private group that I share these poems with. Soon, I’ll be going to my very first poetry reading with a couple of talented friends. It’s exciting to take on a new hobby with such excitement I haven’t felt in a while.
But the reason it remains so private is shame.
I grew up thinking that poets were narcissistic assholes who only wanted to whine about love and death and all that “nonsense.” You know, because I was a baby who hadn’t experienced any of that yet. So I ridiculed it as a solipsistic art form that was more often sappy and terrible than anything of value.
Then I definitely grew up.
In high school is where my interest was piqued. I remember we had to read “Ode to a Nightingale” for class, and that was the moment I knew my heart was in it. Keats remains one of my favourite poets (sharing the title with Sylvia Plath – more on her in a minute). The words of that poem moved me in a way very few words had. Today, years later, I remember walking to Keats’ House, a museum inside of the house he actually lived in, just a few short minutes from my flat in Belsize Park. I wept. Like a little baby. Unashamed to say so.
I was so touched by the ability of someone whose life was nothing but struggle, pain, and (gross) tuberculosis to create such beautiful, timeless tributes to all of the great things in life. Even as he was dying, Keats wrote verse after verse about how much he loved this world. I actually broke the rules and painted the first sentence of his final sonnet on my bedroom wall in the first apartment I rented: “Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art!”
How could anyone look at this man’s words and think, “God, what a douche”? I judged poetry so unfairly because I wanted to look cool and unaffected by all the things that troubled me, when really it could have been a solace to all of the wounds I sustained as a young person growing up in an often unforgiving world. Being a teenager is already hard, but I probably compounded it by poo-poo-ing all the things I actually may have liked just because I wanted to be a Cool Girl.
Sylvia Plath, by far, is the poet I judged the most. Dissecting my initial scorn at her reveals both my own ignorance and my internalized misogyny. I always thought of her as the “patron saint of sad girls,” the Lana Del Rey of women above sixty. But I never actually read her work. And when I did, I was in for a shock.
This absolutely brilliant woman lived a life full of suffering and mental illness in a time when there was no treatment. She suffered through a volatile, abusive relationship while in the thrall of a horrendous battle with her own mind, and still managed to create enduring lyrics.
I judged her because I thought it was stupid for a girl to admit any feelings of weakness, much less to talk about it in such a direct way. I judged girls who related to her hopelessness, occasional optimism, and morbid sense of humour because I wanted to be a “cool girl” who went against tropes. Then I became that girl who related to her.
I did part of “Lady Lazarus” for my very first voice assignment at Central. We all brought in several poems to read out loud one at a time, and see which one worked best. I brought in two Keats, and then this one. I was in a bit of a mood that day, and I think the teacher noticed. When I announced which ones I brought, she asked me to read the Plath first. I was doubtful, then I began.
And from the moment I started, I felt the room halt. It was like the air in the room stood still, for me at least. All of the rage I had ever felt was concentrated in my gut, and it felt like my voice was made of steel for that minute and a half. When I finished, I noticed that I was shaking with the intensity of it.
I was really scared to continue working on it, because it would take me to a very ugly part of my personality and experience I’m always nervous to go to: being angry at the world. But I think there’s a bit of that in everyone. I remember the day of the assessment being one of the most emotionally intense days of my life, because for once, I allowed the words to seep into my body and just come out as if they were my own.
In a way, they were my own. She wrote about her own power, about her inflated sense of self in the face of insecurity, and, contrastingly, her fury at how helpless she felt. Her words are my words because I’ve shared that experience, albeit in my own way and through my own set of demons. But that is why so many people, especially women, are drawn to Sylvia Plath – she speaks a language we can all understand. It’s the language of people who want to break the world apart because they’ve felt so beaten by it, whether that be through relationships, illness, or plain old bad circumstances. My heart breaks at how she ended her life, and I mourn all of the poems and books that could have been, how she could have gotten better with the changing of the times.
Sometimes, because my house is so close to Primrose Hill, I wander to the place where she lived. There is a blue plaque outside indicating she had been there (and fun fact: one of the houses she lived in was previously the home of Irish poet W.B. Yeats, also one of my favourites).
I remember the first time, on a bitterly cold night in December. I was extremely low. It had not been a good few weeks, to understate it. And then I sat on a park bench and looked at the pink building. And, weird as it was, it was spiritual. Someone whose work had stirred me so deeply had lived there, breathed there, written there. That was not the place she passed away in, so I think that was why all of my feelings looking at the building were joyful. People are amazing, even in the bad parts of their lives. Her bravery in being so honest has changed many people’s lives, including mine. I feel much more obligated to be blunt with myself and the world because of her work. Even that one time I used her poem shifted me so much.
So, in conclusion, I prevented myself from pursuing a hobby I may not be bad at because of my own judgments that placed on me by others, and that I didn’t try to challenge. Looking back on that growth has encouraged me to ask: What other things have I emphatically refused to talk or think about that actually may be worthwhile? What things have people told me I shouldn’t like or do that maybe I actually could?
Maybe one day I’ll feel brave enough to share my own writing with more people. But for now, I’ll keep it to some of my friends and a lot of strangers in some bar, snapping along to me baring my ugliest emotions one time, and never again. đ
–
(Here are some lines from my very favourite poems and authors!)
”
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
‘Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness,â
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.”
-John Keats, “Ode to a Nightingale”
–
“Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Â
Enwrought with golden and silver light, Â
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light, Â
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”
-W.B Yeats, “Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven”
–
”
There is a charge
For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge  Â
For the hearing of my heartââ
It really goes.
And there is a charge, a very large charge  Â
For a word or a touch  Â
Or a bit of blood
Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.  Â
So, so, Herr Doktor.  Â
So, Herr Enemy.
I am your opus,
I am your valuable,  Â
The pure gold baby
That melts to a shriek.  Â
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.
Ash, ashâ
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing thereââ
A cake of soap,  Â
A wedding ring,  Â
A gold filling.
Herr God, Herr Lucifer  Â
Beware
Beware.
Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair  Â
And I eat men like air.“
-Sylvia Plath, “Lady Lazarus”
–
Thank you again for reading. Feel free to send your favourite poems my way! I love ’em. Hope all reading this are very well, and having a great end of summer. x
-MacK